Expressing through life
high speed blurred landscapes
pass by. Surprise
layover in love
then anger then grief.
Expressing through words
my nature my pain
my heart. Surprise
sentences that heal
however much I miss
today and forever.
This is it.
This is what she wrote.
I have already written my last post, weeks early, before the end of the full year. I admit that I am anxious to move forward, to leave this year behind. You may look at the year and think, “Nothing has changed. There are no signs that Nicole’s life is different than it was one year ago.” But you would be very wrong. My body may be in the same place, but my heart is not. My earth: my solid, safe, sturdy earth has shifted slightly. The evidence: this blog, this record. Oh, there were so many false starts and stumbles and falls, landing flat on my face, but at least it was movement. Maybe I’m not as stuck as I once thought I was.
I am someone who wants to keep thinking, analyzing, ordering, until I make sense of everything. I don’t think this is wrong—I have a rich inner life. But I think I must remember to keep moving at the same time. To not get lost in that inner life, to remember what lives outside of me.
I don’t know where I will be one year from now, but I hope I will have moved my feet and my heart closer to what is meant for me in this world, in this life.
All my life I wanted to be heard. I was silenced by many things, including myself, but all I wanted was to be heard. I had so much to say. My life has been full of people who have let me listen without letting me speak. Sometimes I shouted because I felt like I wasn’t being heard. I am sorry for that, but I had no idea how to get your attention. Listen to me! What I have to say is important!
Now I am ready—and I can’t say what exactly made me ready: maybe it was patience—to write the book I’ve always wanted to write but could never get started because I wasn’t putting my full self into it. I was still waiting for someone to listen, not realizing that I just needed to start talking and eventually someone would hear me, stop and say, “What is that noise? I must find out more.”
There comes a point when the preparing, the researching, the collecting has to stop and the creating has to begin. It is a scary transition to make because you must trust in yourself, trust that you will falter but you will pick yourself up and keep going until the moment when your goal is complete. You cannot do this without trust. Trust in yourself. And trust in the universe.
I believe wholeheartedly in the universe. It has brought me so many gifts in my life, but especially this year, when I said to the universe, I need to be able to speak. I need to be able to unstick myself from everything that has kept me rooted in the past. And the universe gave me confidence and hope. The universe brought me friends who helped me challenge what I thought I knew. The universe gave me the open door to the future.
One more word,
from my father,
who gives me much
but that’s the thing about this word:
you must find it yourself
somewhere inside your heart
you must love yourself
as much as your parent loves you.
You must treat yourself
as kindly as your best friend does.
You must trust yourself
as much as a child does.
I struggle with this word
but I will keep trying.
Maybe when I’m thirty-six
I will forgive myself
and start to be kind
to me. Maybe when I’m
thirty-six I will believe
that I deserve all
the good things instead
of the bad. Maybe, just maybe,
when I am thirty-six I will
let myself be happy,
for once, for all.
One final final word—
and let hope persevere.
Let your braveness be epic.
Try out optimism now and again,
and always be self-compassionate.
— Gustave Flaubert, Madame Bovary (via lastwaltzinvienna)
I miss a lot of people tonight.
**I miss my grandma who died ten years ago. Last night I searched through boxes of old letters and cards for everything she had written me. I only found a few, but why hadn’t I saved more? The few I have are from when I was in college, but I found one from after I graduated when I was living in a studio apartment and working odd jobs to get by. She writes:
"You sound like you’re doing okay financially as well as being happy. Your apartment sounds just great. I always liked the idea of a window seat.
I’m still hoping for that perfect job for you. It’ll come. Stay Happy. Love, Grandma.”
This week I was thinking how disappointed she would be in me, the spinster of the family. In my letters to her I would always tell her what was good and leave out what was bad. How would I write a letter to her now? Would I let her know about all my failures, all the ways in which I am disappointed in myself?
But maybe, she would be proud of my being so independent, with freedoms and choices that weren’t available to women of her generation.
Like me, she would probably write optimistically and tell me how much she loved me. She would still be hoping for that perfect job for me. Maybe she’d even be emailing or reading my blog!
I like to think I’m smart enough to know what other people are thinking but I am realizing that I am often wrong.
**I also miss D. I realize that it has been two months since I have heard from him and I think maybe he left the country and returned home. I was hoping we could stay in touch, stay friends, but I guess that it not always possible. We all move on with our lives. We pick up what we have left and move on. Such is life. Our lives are always better for knowing another person, even if only for a short time.
**I also miss an old friend who moved away ten years ago (Yes, 2001 was a year of great loss for me—of grieving and separation anxiety.) 2011 is not 2001 and no matter how hard I may want to try to recapture the times that were left behind, I can’t. They are gone. I don’t think I can go back and relive them or recapture them or even remember them. Once you’ve moved on, should you go back again, even if for a short visit? Even to someone who was your best friend?
**I read this on a friend’s blog tonight and I thought it fit with all three of my “misses”. Some lyrics by Tom Petty:
You and I will meet again
When we’re least expecting it
One day in some far off place
I will recognize your face
I won’t say goodbye my friend
For you and I will meet again.
I’ll be wrapping things up these next two weeks, finishing my word project, summing up my 35th year, and preparing to move on.
If you would like to be notified of future projects and where to find my writing, please send me your name and email and I will add you to my mailing list. (Your information will be for my eyes only and kept private.)
Thank you all for being great readers. I hope that this blog sparked something in you or encouraged you to share a story with someone you know.
We are all human. We deserve to really know each other. Don’t be afraid of what others will see or how you will feel. You deserve a free soul.
Nicole, soon to be 36!